NaruHina NejiHina Battle Royale
by KalliopeStarmist
Summary: As long as there has been fandom, there has been a battle between Naruto and Neji for Hinata's affection. Today, the battlefield is a series of very short oneshots. Place your bets.
1. NaruHina 1: Pumpkin

There comes a time in every Narutard's life where she must ask herself the Utlimate Question: Which is better, NaruHina or NejiHina?

My problem is, I'm not fond of either of them. Which: unimaginative fluff or incest? (It's not even the incest so much as I don't like Neji pairings... Jealous Fangirl Syndrome, perhaps?)

So, I was bored, and decided that rather than remain neutral on both, I'd write a couple of oneshots for each of them. I asked my friends for some words, and this is what they came up with. Let's see what I came up with:

NaruHina Vs NejiHina

Place your bets.

Naruto's Words:

1) Pumpkin

2) Lipgloss

3) Polygraph

Neji's Words:

1) Harpoon

2) Condom

3)Straw

The Finale:  
Feminine Problems

Whoever wins... KalliopeStarmist loses.

* * *

Pumpkin:

Naruto looked around the pumpkin patch, then at his watch. Sakura was late. They were supposed to meet and pick out a pumpkin and go back to his apartment and carve it up and make a pretty Jack o'Lantern. But she wasn't there. And it looked like it was going to rain.

"I hate this," he sighed. Why did Sakura have to stand him up like this all the time? Ok, well, she had never stood him up before, but he certainly didn't feel good that she had decided to start. She was probably on a date with one of her nine million other admirers. Ever since they hit puberty, everybody was always, "Sakura, will you go out with me?"

Never mind that he had been loyally asking her out since they were nine. Kakashi was cuter than him. He got it. He knew what their secret winks meant. He knew why they giggled so much... He'd always known his teacher was a total child molester. But then, he'd always thought that he was after Sasuke, too.

Naruto kicked at a pumpkin. He wanted to make a Jack O'Lantern with her. It was more fun with other people.

* * *

Hinata didn't like pumpkins. Mostly because when she was little, her passive-aggressive third-cousin-twice-removed (you thought _Neji_ knew how to hold a grudge.) had thrown one at her head, and she had to go as a lobotomy patient for trick-or-treat that year.

So she wasn't having as much fun as Kurenai, Kiba, and Shino as they picked out a pumpkin. In fact, she had finally wandered off to sit on a pumpkin and wait for it to rain. That's when she noticed Naruto, kicking angrily at a gourd. Maybe Naruto didn't like pumpkins, either.

Hinata blushed with the idea that she and Naruto had something in common. Something in common! They could talk about their common dislike of pumpkins, and then he would fall in love with her, and then they would live happily ever after. She stood up.

"H- H- H- Hi," she stuttered faintly. Naruto's back, which was to her, straightened.

"H- H- H- Hi, Naruto-kun," she stuttered again. Naruto turned around to face her.

"Oh, hey, Hinata!" The angry scowl left his face and he smiled that "Oh, hey, Casual Acquaintance!" look that always discouraged her. "What are you doing out here? Did your asshole teammates desert you, too?"

"Oh, n-n-n-no," Hinata blushed and bowed her head. Poor Naruto! That bitch Sakura had left him all alone! (In Hinata's mind, Sakura was the incarnation of all evil.) "I- I-,"

In a rare flash of boldness, Hinata decided to tell Naruto the truth. "I don't like pumpkins much, so I didn't want to go with Kiba and Shino..."

"You don't like pumpkins?" Naruto gasped. "But pumpkins are awesome! You can carve them up so they look funny, and you can cook the seeds, and if you're a really good cook, like Mrs. Studenic in Apartment 402, you can make pumpkin pie out of them!" Naruto noted her crestfallen expression, and attributed it to her not knowing anything about pumpkins and being ashamed of her ignorance. "Here! I'll show you!" He pointed to a pumpkin that he had wanted to pick with Sakura.

"This one's kind of oval shaped, so you can make a more elongated face with it... now, if you were going for a wider mouth, you'd want one of these rounder ones,"

"Uh–," Hinata stuttered as Naruto grabbed her arm and pulled her deeper into the pumpkin patch.

"Come on! We'll make a Jack O'Lantern together! And then we can light it and drink apple cider and tell ghost stories and get scared and cuddle with each other. That'll teach her."

Hinata had found a compelling reason to give pumpkins another chance.

* * *

Kakashi and Sakura sat in the rain, huddled under an umbrella, holding the surprise bag of candy corn and smores material they had brought. They had been planning this forever... completely unable to keep their winking and giggling down, but Naruto probably hadn't noticed.

And now he had stood them up.


	2. NaruHina 2: Lipgloss

NaruHina 2:

Lipgloss

* * *

"Hey, guys! Guess what?" Naruto asked excitedly, running up to where Sasuke and Sakura were waiting for Kakashi. "I got a letter from a secret admirer!"

"WHAT?!" Sakura gasped, her brain exploding. "They must have sent it to the wrong address! Nobody wants you!!"

Naruto stuck out his lower lip defiantly. "Yes they do. It says right here; Dear Naruto."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Don't be so excited. My worst admirers are the secret ones... they're really, really scary stalker-types. What's it say?"

Naruto unfolded the letter and read. "Dear Naruto; I don't quite know how to say this, but I really like you. I always have. And I wanted you to know that, even when you feel lonely, or defeated, or like you can't go on, that I still care about you. Never give up.  
I'm so sorry to waste your time with this stupid note... Please don't feel that you have to respond. -Your Secret Admirer."

"Whoa, low self-esteem alert," Sakura said.

"Shut up, Sakura," Sasuke snapped.

"No! Sasuke, please don't be angry. I love you! My life means nothing if you don't care about me!" Sakura cried. Sasuke rolled his eyes. Twelve year old girls annoyed him. So bitchy and immature. He liked 'em older. Now, take Tenten. _There_ was a woman. Mmm... Tenten.

"So, what should I do?" Naruto asked.

"I dunno... get her a present?" Sasuke shrugged. "I've never wanted to write back."

* * *

Hinata stared at the little package that Naruto had left in his mailbox for her. "L-lipgloss?" she stuttered. "Why would he give me lipgloss?"

"I dunno," Shino shrugged, looking around nervously. "Come on, we've been creepy-stalker-y enough for one day."

Hinata opened the note. "Dear Secret Admirer: Thank you for your letter... Wow, this sure is awkward, but you made me really happy. I mean, well, thanks. When I become Hokage, I'll make you my queen, deal? Until then, take this lipgloss. Because I'm short on cash."

Shino rolled his eyes as Hinata reverently applied a coating of lipgloss.

* * *

Naruto smiled. The plan was perfect. Soon he would be figuring out his secret admirer. "Hey, Ino!"

"What, Tard-face?" Ino snapped back. Naruto grabbed her head and pulled her into a kiss.

"EWWW! What are you doing?!"

Naruto shook his head. "No, not you, either..." He walked away before Ino could hit him. None of the girls he had kissed had tasted like Coca-Cola lipgloss... he was beginning to think that maybe he should start looking for guys with unusually shiny lips, when he spotted Hinata.

_Aw, might as well,_ he thought with a shrug. It beat kissing Sasuke to find out who had sent the note.

Hinata almost fainted when Naruto grabbed her around the waist and kissed her.

"Coca Cola!" he exclaimed. Hinata looked at him blankly. "Hinata, don't you see? The fact that your lips taste like soda proves that you're my one true love! Come on, let's get married!"


	3. NaruHina 3: Polygraph

NaruHina 3:

Polygraph

* * *

"One of the most important parts of being a ninja is never giving away information. You must be able to lie like you stole something," Iruka lectured. "So, for today's test, we'll be hooking you all up to polygraphs and asking personal questions. If you wish to avoid public humiliation, you'll have to fool the polygraph test."

They went in alphabetical order, based on last names, each one waiting in nervous anticipation of what they would be forced to reveal. _I don't want to be a ninja, I don't want to be a ninja,_ Inner Hinata kept whispering. Inner Hinata, Hinata knew, was a real wuss.

"Haruno Sakura," Iruka called. Hinata held her breath. She was next. At least she wasn't the first girl to go. She hated that.

"Ready, Sensei!" Sakura chirped, hooking herself up to the machine.

"All right. Do you have a crush on anyone in this class?"

The class, all of them cruel because they were small children and nervous, snickered as Miss Perfect Score struggled to keep her eyes from flickering to the corner of the class where Sasuke sat. "N-No."

The polygraph went wild. Iruka grinned. "What's his name?"

"I told you, I don't have a crush on anyone!"

"Come on, Sakura... is it Kiba?"

The class laughed.

"No! I mean, uh, yeah, it's Kiba!"

This went on for a while, while Hinata's heart rate kept climbing. She thought she understood the exercise. If they could survive this, no psychological torture would ever make them talk.

Finally, Sakura snapped under the pressure and Iruka took pity on her and sent her back to her seat with a candy bar. "Hyuuga Hinata."

Hinata gulped and tried not to notice that everyone was staring at her. What dark secrets about herself would she be forced to reveal?

"Do you have a crush on anyone in this class?"

Hinata blushed and hid her face. "No," she whispered, but it was no use; the needle was already out of control. Iruka smiled and scanned the class. Just like he had done with Sakura, he planned to pick the least likely person and then work his way up to Sasuke.

"Is it Naru–,"

"HEY!"

Hinata's head shot up. Naruto was standing on top of his desk. Iruka glared at him.

"What is it, Naruto?"

"This is sexual discrimination!" he declared. "You didn't ask any of the boys who they had crushes on! You think that just because Sakura and Hinata are women, you can exploit their emotions to make them fail this test? Kunoichi are a million times more ruthless than any man I've ever met, and I know what I'm talking about. I've asked one out before. It hurts. Believe it!"

The entire class laughed, and Iruka moved on to another question for Hinata.

* * *

After class, she walked up to Naruto to thank him.

"Hey, don't mention it, sweet-cheeks," he grinned. "I'm not about to let Iruka-sensei make a cute little kid like you cry." He kissed her on the forehead. "But I hope you don't like that stupid Sasuke jerk like all the others... you can do better." He winked at her, and then walked off briskly in the other direction.


	4. NejiHina 1: Harpoon

NejiHina 1:

Harpoon

* * *

Hinata didn't like babysitting her sister. Fortunately, her father didn't trust her with anything he was fond of, especially his younger daughter, and therefore Hinata didn't have to do much babysitting.

But, really, spending the day with Neji was not all that different from spending the day watching Hanabi.

Ok, maybe that was unfair. Hanabi was a lot less destructive.

"Why do you guys have so many weapons in here?"

"Because it's the armory," Hinata explained, glancing nervously at the door that lead back to the outside world.

"Why do you have an armory, then?"

_If you lived here, maybe you would know,_ Hinata thought irritably. "Because we're ninjas. Come on, let's go... please?"

She was never really sure of Neji's position in her family. Hell, come to that, she was never really sure of her own position in her family. She figured that it was ok for him to be hanging around, but even she didn't poke her nose in every unlocked door she came across.

"I want to look around. Grow some backbone," Neji muttered, looking at the swords gleaming on the walls. "What's the worst your father could do to you if he found you looking around your own house?"

"Kill me?" Hinata suggested. _Lock me in a room with you so he won't have to get his hands dirty?_

"He's not going to kill you, Hinata-sama," Neji said, rolling his eyes. "Now stop being such a pansy. It makes you so fugging dislikable."

Hinata sighed and tapped her fingers together. It was a nervous habit of hers. "If I was being a pansy, I wouldn't be standing up to you and asking you to leave," she whispered. Not very loudly.

Neji glared at her. "When I say stand up for yourself, I don't mean against me," he growled. "I mean against people I don't like."

"I'm going to leave now," Hinata said, edging towards the door. "Can you find your way out again without me?"

Hinata was never quite sure why she yanked her foot back at that moment. Perhaps it was some ninja reflex that she never expected to find in herself. In any case, it prevented her from being skewered by the ancient antique harpoon that Neji had grabbed off the wall and chucked at her.

"Holy -- on a -- sandwhich!" Hinata gasped. "Di- Did you just throw that at me?"

"I-," Neji grinned nervously. "I wanted to spend more time with you.. And I didn't know how to ask you to stay."

"So you tried to kill me?" Hinata whispered, staring in horror at the giant weapon embedded in the floor in front of her.

"It got your attention, didn't it?"

There was no good way to respond to this statement, being the kind that only Neji's twisted brand of logic could come up with. Hinata sighed. "You could have just said "Gee, Hinata, could you stay a little longer?" You didn't have to start throwing family heirlooms at me."

Neji rolled his eyes, and said, very sarcastically, "Gee, Hinata, could you stay a little longer?"

"Well, it's not going to work now," Hinata said. "Not after you almost skewered me." With Inner Hinata muttering angerly about how all her relatives were a bunch of fricking psychos, she turned to leave. She also fully intended to tell her father _exactly_ what had happened when he asked why there was a ten-inch gash in the floor. With these things on her mind, she wasn't paying attention when Neji used his 1337 ninja skills to sneak up in front of her and pin her to the floor.

"Let's try this again," he suggested, kissing her. "Gee, Hinata, could you stay a little longer?"

"Much better," Hinata told him. "Sure, Neji, I'd be happy to stay."

* * *

A/N: Those of you familiar with LittleKariboh's YuGiOh Abridged, I'm really, really sorry. There wasn't much else I could do with a prompt like "Harpoon".


	5. NejiHina 2: Condom

NejiHina 2:

Condom

* * *

After several embarrassing mishaps, Kiba had come to realize that no matter how it sounded, nothing was going on between his teammate Hinata and her angry, bitter cousin Neji. After bursting in angrily on them looking through old photo albums, microwaving kettle corn, and playing Twister, he had learned that sometimes conversations sound a lot dirtier than they actually are.

But it sure was amusing to listen to them outside Hinata's door.

"Shouldn't we use something?" Hinata asked.

"Oh, don't be such a prude," Neji said.

"I just don't want any... you know, surprises..."

"Good point... do you have one?"

"Right here... I know you can't be trusted to bring your own... you're so inconsiderate."

"I am not," Neji murmured. "I'm always very considerate of your feelings, aren't I?"

"Mmm..."

"I mean, I'm using this thing, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are."

"...What? No thank you?"

"How would you like me to thank you, then?"

"Well, you could—," There was a silence Kiba thought might have been awkward.

"What's wrong?" Hinata asked.

"It must be this extra layer. I told you we should have just-,"

"Don't be that way... here, I can fix this..."

"What are you—OH! OH GOD!"

Kiba smiled and shook his head as he walked away. It was amazing how the mind jumped to conclusions like that... But he was sure it was nothing.

* * *

"Kiba? Could you take out the trash for me?" Kurenai asked the next morning. Kiba nodded amicably and ducked quietly into Hinata's room. She was still asleep... and judging by the clothes on the floor, Neji had spent the night. But whatever. Hana's team never complained when he slept over. Trying to be as quiet as possible, he picked up the trash can and stepped back into the hall.

Kiba blinked, staring down at the trash. Sitting on top... but no, it couldn't be...

Sitting innocently on top was a used condom.

* * *

A/N: Honestly, there's no other way to interpret that conversation...


	6. NejiHina 3: Straw

NejiHina 3:

Straw

* * *

"Spin the bottle!" Naruto exclaimed happily as the Konoha kids began to form a circle. "I can't wait! Only the best game ever for losers who never get any action otherwise!"

"Amen to that," Tenten said. "Try having two gay teammates."

"I'm not gay," Neji muttered next to her.

"No, you're just in love with–,"

"Shut the hell up, Tenten."

Tenten patted him on the head and smiled innocently. "All right, who has a bottle?"

The twelve teenagers looked at one another.

"Um..." Shino held up his disposable plastic cup uncertainly. "Did we have any bottles?"

"No... I guess not..." Sakura said.

This put a serious damper on the evening's plans.

"Aw, man! I wanted some action!" Kiba complained.

"We could play Seven Minutes in Heaven," Sasuke suggested.

"YEAH!" Ino and Sakura shouted at the same time. The rest of the party shifted uncomfortably. Deciding who got the first turn with Sasuke would be awful.

"How do we decide who goes with who, though?" Chouji said.

"Yeah, it's no fun unless it's random," Naruto and Tenten said.

"We could draw straws..." Hinata said quietly, pulling her own straw out of her drink and holding it up. "Cut one for everybody, and two will be shorter than the others... the two people who draw them will have to..." Hinata turned red and was unable to finish her thought.

"Brilliant idea, Hinata-chan!" Lee said enthusiastically.

* * *

Shikamaru held out the straws, being careful that they all appeared the same height, and the hormonal friends gathered around, each secretly hoping to pick one of the short straws.

"You going to cheat?" Tenten whispered to Neji as they picked their straws.

"Of course not."

Tenten winked. "Uh-huh... not going to make sure that you end up with-,"

"Tenten, shut up! Someone will hear you."

"Oh, I think it's sweet, though."

"Be quiet."

Hinata was cheating. She would have lied if she was called out on it, but she was. Because there was someone that she was hoping to get paired with, and, well... for someone as shy as her, it was just easier to do it this way.

The first short straw went to Sasuke.

"We need to make a rule!" Ino declared. "No matter who you get paired with, you still have to kiss them! No backing out. Just like Spin the Bottle!"

The others nodded.

Naruto drew the other short straw.

"Ino, I hate you," he muttered as Sasuke wrapped his hands around Naruto's head and pulled the blond boy into a very fanservice-y kiss. A lot of the kids involved got the idea that Sasuke had been waiting for this opportunity for a long time.

"Well... um.. Let's..." Shikamaru coughed. "Let's start the next round..."

Sasuke drew a long straw.

Naruto drew another long straw. Sasuke saw this as an opportunity to continue the first round and pulled his teammate onto the couch next to him.

Ino drew a long straw.

Sakura drew a long straw and turned her attention back to Naruto and Sasuke.

Shikamaru drew a long straw.

Chouji drew a long straw.

Tenten drew a long straw and sighed.

Lee drew a long straw.

Kiba and Shino drew long straws.

There were two people left. And there were two straws left.

"Oh boy..." Shikamaru sighed as Hinata and Neji shrugged at one another and each picked one of the remaining straws. "Should we do this over...?"

"Hell no!" Naruto yelled from underneath Sasuke. "If I have to do anything this undignified, nobody else is getting out of it, either!"

"You like it," Sasuke whispered.

"I didn't say I didn't, I just said that–,"

"It's fine, guys," Hinata whispered, wrapping her arms around Neji's waist. Tenten winked at the two of them.

"All right," she said, gathering up the straws again, "Who's up for another round?"


	7. Finale: Feminine Problems

The Finale:

Feminine Problems

* * *

She wasn't sleeping with him because she was in love with him. It wasn't even that she found him all that attractive. Her reasons for spending her nights with Neji were much more complicated that.

To put it simply, for as long as Hinata could remember, she had failed majorly at getting closer to her cousin. And it was a shame, because she really _wanted_ to be close to him. After years and years of wishing hopelessly that things had worked out differently in their family, a little sexual exploitation seemed a small price to pay for Neji's affection.

Also, he liked to cuddle afterwards, and Hinata was a very cuddly person.

* * *

One day it happened that Hinata was feeling a little under the weather, and Neji, being a decent guy, at least after he got all "centered" and stopped hating everybody, decided to go visit her and see if she was doing ok. Shino answered the door and stood in the doorframe, refusing to let him in.

"I wanted to see Hinata."

"Yes, that would make sense," Shino replied impassively. He didn't move.

Neji rolled his eyes. Anybody else would have told you that Shino was being hostile. Neji was a little slow on the social skills, and thought he was thick as two planks. "I heard she wasn't feeling well."

Shino nodded. "You don't want to talk to her right now, though," he said, tapping his nose discreetly. "Feminine problems."

"Oh, I know she turns into a bitch once a month, I still want to talk to her."

"Not _those_ feminine problems," Shino said, dropping his voice to a hiss. "The _other_ ones."

Neji wasn't quite sure what he was talking about, but he left anyway. It wasn't until he was two blocks away from Kurenai's house that he realized what the "other" set of feminine problems was.

* * *

"And then Itachi got all mad at me, and I was only four, how was I supposed to know–,"

Naruto patted Sasuke's hand and gave him a Kleenex. His on-the-side job as a therapist was really paying the bills. If he didn't think that Tsunade would get mad, he would quit ninja-ing and do this full-time.

"There, there,"

There was a loud knocking... more of a pounding, on the door.

"NARUTO! Get out here, I need to talk to you."

Sasuke and Naruto looked in annoyance at the door. Naruto checked his watch. "Well, your hour's about up, anyway, I guess... I'll call you and reschedule." Sasuke nodded and ducked out the back door. Nobody needed to know that he cried his little emo heart out to Naruto once a week. Him and the rest of the village.

"What's up?" Naruto greeted Neji calmly when he got to the door.

"I–," Neji glanced around, then pushed Naruto back into his apartment. "I think Hinata's pregnant."

"Holy shit!" Naruto exclaimed. "I'm going to be a father?"

Neji slapped a palm against his forehead. "No, you moron, I am! How on earth could you be the father?"

Naruto sat Neji down on his psychiatrist couch. "All right... Neji, when two people love each other very much, something very special happens, and they— WHOA, wait, what do you mean, _you're_ the father?"

"We've..." Neji scratched the back of his head and avoided meeting Naruto's eyes. "We've been screwing around..."

"WHOA. WHOA. WAIT. No... just, no..." Naruto scooted back, color draining from his face. "You're joking, right?" Naruto smiled a little. "You really had me going there for a minute! So, did you make up the part about her being pregnant, too, or do I really need to start planning child support payments?"

"You're NOT the father! You've never even slept with her."

Naruto laughed. "I hate to break it to you, but, yeah, I have. We've been dating for a while, and we decided to take it a little farther, so,"

"You can't be sleeping with her," Neji said, going as pale as Naruto had. "I mean, you just... you can't be."

"Oh, yes, I can, and what's more–... wait, where you serious? You and Hinata have–," Naruto's lip curled. "EW! NO!"

"What are you going "ew" for, you little perv!" Neji stood and picked Naruto up by his lapels. "You're the one who's afraid he knocked up my cousin! Didn't you use something?"

"Well," Naruto blushed. "We were in a hurry, and– WAIT JUST A MINUTE! You're afraid you're the father... You were sleeping with your own cousin and you didn't use anything? ARE YOU CRAZY?"

Neji dropped him. "It's complicated..."

"And, dude, you're not even just cousins, you're like... like... twinsins..."

"That's not a word," Neji growled.

"You know what I mean! You two probably share more genetic material than regular siblings! That's like knocking up your sister! You were screwing your sister and you didn't use any protection!"

"She's not my sister! And you're no better! You're just taking advantage of her innocence!"

"And you're NOT?! And what innocence? She's cheating on both of us... whore."

Neji picked him up once again. "Shut the hell up! That's my baby cousin you're talking about!"

Naruto kicked his shin. "Cousin? Girlfriend, you mean? You sick bastard!"

"Oh, you want to go, Uzumaki? Let's go!"

* * *

Shino brought Hinata some soup. She had a cold and wasn't feeling too well.

"You shouldn't be here, Shino-kun," she coughed. "You'll catch it."

"My immune system's a little stronger than yours," he assured her. "You're under too much stress."

"Yeah, I know," she sighed. "I don't know... It's just so hard to keep Naruto and Neji from finding out about each other..."

"Maybe you should just break up with one of them... or both."

"I guess... But... I've just liked both of them for so long... in different ways, of course, but they both think of me the same way, I guess, and I'll take what I can get."

Shino pushed back some of her hair. "Do you really like either of them any more?"

"... I guess... sort of... I don't know, neither of them are my ideal guy anymore, but," she sighed, twisting her fingers together anxiously. "I just don't know what to do about them, Shino."

Shino smiled to himself. "I have a feeling things will work out on their own."

He hoped Neji and Naruto would just have a death match and kill each other... or hook up with each other, maybe. In any case, he was sure that they would both be leaving Hinata alone in the future.

Now he just had to get rid of Kiba.

* * *

A/N: And the final verdict:

JuugoHina.

NejiIno (Actually, I like NejiIno in theory, but it's always really depressing, which really surprises me... I mean, Ino?)

NarutoXTree

Even though a part of my soul died with every chapter, I had a lot of fun writing all these. I might do some for other pairing wars later.


End file.
